So I'm sort of dumbfounded right now...imagine--me, dumbfounded. Doesn't happen very often. I am suddenly taken back to my junior high/ highschool days and sweet Jesus, I'm glad those times and feelings don't have to be revisited often. It seems that, unbeknownst to me, SMURFETTE has read my previous blogs. "Bum bum bum," go the drums. You know what--I don't care and that's a weird feeling. My first reaction to learning that she had read them was to gasp, clasp my hand over my mouth, and say "ohmyGod, what did I say in those," but after re-reading them, I'm completely OK. The blogs were very emotional and expressed my exact feelings in regards to the situation, and I will not be sorry for freely expressing myself. My second reaction was to think, "Great, I'm sure all kinds of people know what I said now." But again, I'm OK with that because I stand behind what I wrote and what difference does it make to me whether someone thinks I'm a bitch, or whatever. I am really coming to terms with not caring what other people think about me in all aspects of life. Very liberating.

You know I am so sick and tired of petty things in life and I don't know how I let myself get wrapped back up in them. I am so sick of drama. God, it's draining and pointless. (and I'm not just referring to the SMURFETTE situation) There are so many more important things in life. It's always the small things that we have ourselves immersed in and frustrated with--if we could only continually remind ourselves of the 'big picture.'

The drama has just compouned recently...regardless of how stressful The Gambia ends up being, it will be a welcomed relief in many areas.

Oh the many better ways I could have spent last weekend...decided to venture to The-Ville to say goodbye to some 'friends' who are still in school there. I guess I wanted it to be some dramatic send-off where I would feel like my so-called friends actually cared whether I dropped off the face of the earth or not. Now it's not fair to say that none of them cared because a select few did, and for them I am thankful--but I was really hurt in the whole process. SMURFETTE....where do I begin. Originally, when she found out that I was coming into town, she said that I should stay with her, only to later ask me to find someplace else to stay Saturday night (the night I was to get in to town) because she wanted to spend the night at home which is a mere 30 minutes from campus. That was fine...I actually wanted to spend some time with SPAM who was gracious enough to house me last minute. Well low and behold, SMURFETTE didn't return to campus until late Sunday night. Again, that's fine because I was spending time with people who actually wanted to see me. She finally called to let me know she was back, but I simply informed her that I was going to be out with people and would just see her on the following day. The next day was supposed to be 'our' day. We were going to go see her wedding dress and go out to dinner, and just have a good, girly time. Guess what....she decided she didn't want to take me to see her dress so we didn't go. Gee, it's not like I'm going to get to see it any other time. She just showed me pictures...how special. Then, instead of going out to dinner--just the two of us, we made dinner with 3 of her roommates who are some of the most obnoxious people on campus. My day/night of fun just went from ok, to absolutely miserable. Around 11:30, I told her I would be back in a few because I wanted to say goodbye to SPAM since I would be leaving early the next morning. I was only gone 15 minutes, but when I got back to SMURFETTE'S she was in bed. What a BITCH!!! I picked up my belongings that I had left in her room and moved out to the living room to sleep on the couch...oh but wait, one of the girls had just gotten engaged that night and she and her fiance and another roommate were sitting there talking. Finally around 1:30ish, I was able to get to bed only to be woken up at 5:30 by one of the obnoxious 3 who was getting ready for work. Now, knowing that a guest is sleeping on the couch, do you normally stomp around, rummage through the fridge, dig through plastic sacks to pack a lunch, or blow dry your hair with the door open? Is it too much to ask to at least act like you are trying to be quiet???
God, I should have left in the middle of the night and yelled "To hell with all of you!!!"
It's weird to think that this visit could very well be the last time that I see SMURFETTE. She's really made it obvious that I don't play a role in her life anymore, and so she really doesn't in mine.

Maybe I shouldn't be upset, maybe I have every right to be....
Talked to SMURFETTE today and finally realized that I have once again been written out of the wedding of a best friend. Alittle bit of history--my best girlfriend from kindergarten through highschool was married last Christmas...should have been the maid of honor...ended up the guest book attendent. That's the job that you give to the teenage girl who worships the ground you walk on but who you just didn't want to throw into your wedding party. My home-room teacher from senior year couldn't even believe I got the shaft and he's generally oblivious to everything.
Now SMURFETTE, my best friend through 3 years of college and since....getting married and once again...should have been the maid of honor, but left with nothing. Sorry, it might be selfish of me but it just lets me know how I rank I guess. Fine, there was a possibility that I would be out of the country for her wedding...but she never even mentioned the possibility of me being a part of her ceremony. Originally I figured that I would be involved and was beginning to formulate a plan to make it back for her big day, but honestly, there's no point to it now. Why would I rearrange to have Christmas with my family in November because I wouldn't be able to come home twice in such a short amount of time....I'm not any part of the freaking wedding!!!! I'm the one that should be with her during her last moments, making sure everything is perfect, calming her nerves.....God, I'm going to end up having no wedding party when I get married because all of my friends have shafted me in theirs. I'm being such a petty girl but I'm a wee bit pissy!

I guess in a way my life did end today...at least my life as I know it. Looks like I will be moving to The Gambia at the beginning of April.

So today has been a bit of a strange day. Last night right before I fell completely asleep I couldn't get images of police/emergency vehicles out of my head. I could see them all lined up with their lights flashing--people everywhere and I had the sense that I was somehow involved with whatever accident had just occured. I had no dreams about it and had completely forgotten about all that I had seen by the time I hit the snooze on my alarm this morning. Then the second time my alarm went off (it's set to the radio) the words "it's the last day of your life," came across the air. I know it weird, and no, I can't remember what song it exactly was, but it freaked me out alittle. Anyway......

Interesting piece of information...talked to MJ last night and he informed me that he ran into DD at a bar near ISU. How completely random is that? DD and MJ at the same random bar on some random night. There was no exchange between the two because they never really knew each other in the first place, so I'm left with no info except that he had girls hanging all over him. Typical. That's what he was becoming a year ago. Maybe I shouldn't be frustrated at the mention of his name, but I am. It just rehashes everything. I saw so much potential in that boy...he had one of the best hearts and was honestly a sweet and gentle soul until our senior year. It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented him from choosing the path that he's on. When I left, yeah, he drank and went out occasionally--nothing worth being upset about. The boy would even ask me if I minded if he had a beer. When I came back he was on the verge of being a full blown alcoholic. He spent most nights out with his new group of 'frat boys' and stopped caring about anything important. During that last semester it was like he sometimes knew he was being destructive and wanted help--he knew that I could help him, but he never really wanted to change when it came down to it. Being what he had become was more important. I just hope he ends up happy in life and has few regrets.

Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.....

I am so exhausted right now...it seems that it is becoming routine for me to receive a wake-up call every day asking me if I can run an errand to BFE. It is my job, and I am thankful for it. I simply hope that these people miss me when I'm gone. Hey, isn't that a song?

Speaking of songs, I had a rendezvous with Chester last Sunday night. Goodnight, that man's screams send chills throughout my entire body. Opening for Linkin Park were Story of the Year (one of the most energetic bands I have ever seen. lots of back-flips and guitar twirling. fantastic minus the lead singer using any variation of F$*#@ literally every other word.) Hoobastank (good sound although rather boring to watch) and P.O.D. (good all-around performance including bringing 10+ teens on stage to sing the entire song 'Youth of a Nation'). Of course the highlight of the entire event was Linkin Park...and well, Chester. Our seats were about 15 rows up from the side of the stage and maybe 7 over from a wing off of the stage which Chester frequented. I won't go on and on...everyone knows my infatuation...but it was seriously the best show I've seen them put on beginning with Chester making a beeline for the wing and sending up and 'I love you' which was obviously meant for me. Anyway...

Last night I helped a friend move out of her parent's house and in with her boyfriend. Funny part about the entire situation is that my mom is giving her thing to help set up her kitchen...would my mom actually help me out in the same situation?

HALE's making her tv debut Friday night on Elimidate....honestly can't wait to see that one!!!

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like this
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need